My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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