i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
