So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
