Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
