I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
