My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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