I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
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We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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