my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
We just shotgunned beers for America
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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