perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
