I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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