Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
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I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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