Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Drunk is not a location!
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
