Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
