im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
