i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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