drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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