It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
