i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
