Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
