They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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