Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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