He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
