So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
