once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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