We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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