yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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