Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
