I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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