I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
