i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
