somebody snuck up and got me drunk
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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