he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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