Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
