i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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