i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
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