After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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