My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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