i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
sarcasm needs its own font
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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