my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
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His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
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just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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