do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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