I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
