Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
