if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
wow bdsm is so cute
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
