I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
