Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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