You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
