On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
