i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I am one with the molecules
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
