one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
