i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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