Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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