If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
