I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Randomize
