I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
