Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?