I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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