she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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