Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
