today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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