If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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