the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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